Hey, fuckers. I haven't posted or been around in a while, so you can imagine how surprised I was to log in and see that my feed was flooded with new post about Xanga.
Now I have yet to read any of these post so I'm not sure what has caused everyone to suddenly become so enthusiastic about Xanga again, but I am a very bright and intuitive man, and I get the feeling that whatever it is, it's good! Every single post in my inbox has the word Xanga in the title. That HAS to be good! Again, I have not read anything beyond the word "Xanga" but I have a feeling that when I dig into these post I will find that something wonderful is going on in our community.
For the longest time, Xanga has been inundated with the ramblings of negative naysayers claiming that Xanga was a dying horse. I scoff at this assertion! Xanga will be around forever! I feel it!
Alright, well I can hardly wait to start reading up so I will end this post here.
Hey, fuckers. Still really frustrated with Xanga at the moment. However, I feel like I should post something so this blog doesn't die off completely. Since I don't really feel like writing anything, here is a quick photoblog of some random shit from recent days.
These are the coolest socks in the world. Laugh if you want, but they're fucking outstanding, and you know you want them
This is a VW beetle I was going to buy for $800. Unfortunately, when I went back to get it some destroyer of dreams had bought it already. I really hope he contracts AIDS, or at the very least, a very aggressive case of The Herp.
Here's my badass cat. He's a fat gelatinous tub of lard. If you fart around him he will hiss at you and swat at the air. True story.
Here's my awesome monkey hat. I don't care if you have seen it already, I love it, it loves me, and despite what my shrink says, our love IS healthy.
Here is me in a pink hoodie. It's not mine. It belonged to my friend Katelyn. I was cold and her hoodie was the only thing that could remedy the problem. She will be missed.
Here I am again in this fantastically pink shirt, climbing out of what appears to be a giant anus. I'm not sure that one picture could possibly make a straight guy look any gayer.
OH! Here is a random yellow horse! I saw him when I was driving down the road, and pulled over to pet him. I was there for over an hour. His name is Franklin Hardcastle, and he is quite possibly my new best friend.
And last, but certainly not least, here is Falcor from The Never Ending Story. I have never personally met Falcor, but he's fucking awesome, and I really wish he was my friend.
Well, that's about it, fuckers.I guess I should end this with a question to encourage comments, so here you go-
If you're into rough sex, do you think "Harder" is a good safe word?
I realized today, as we all inevitably do at some point in our lives, that I did not own a pair of giant slippers shaped like the head of a tiger. I know! It's shameful! Faced with this grim reality, I threw on some safari attire and ventured out into the world in search of the aforementioned footwear.
I searched high and low, and far and wide. Fields, caves, gutters, and dirty back alleys. What did I find? Nothing. Well, technically that's not true; I DID find a homeless man named "Itchy Gus" who offered to blow me in exchange for a bottle of Boone's Farm, but no giant slippers shaped like the head of a tiger.
Finally, just as I was about to give up all hope, I heard a faint growling in the bushes. But...but it COULDN'T be...could it??? Fuck yeah it could! There in the bushes was a pair of wild, giant slippers shaped like the head of a tiger!!!! And, Itchy Gus was there as well doing something I would prefer not to discuss, BUT, as I mentioned these were there!!!!
Yeah. Yeah I know you want them. They are warm, and fuzzy, and larger than a fucking watermelon! What's not to want here! I am particularly fond of his face. His expression seems to say, "Yeahhhh, imma fuzzy tiger head, bitch. Come and get some". Classy!
Now here's a picture of me AND the tiger slipper making the EXACT same face!!! Yeahhhh, i'm an asshole with a tiger head slipper, bitch. Come and get some!
Hey, fuckers. Well, this is a tragedy. Due to lack of participation, i'm pulling the plug on the Xanga Swimsuit Calendar. Yes, the sky over Xanga is indeed dark today. To the 8 of you who sent in your pictures, thank you. To those of you who did not: go fuck your mother, and I hope you get crabs.
Not just normal crabs either; a bizarre new breed of mutant crab that transforms into a giant genital destroying lobster. And then, after it's done destroying your genitals, it breaks apart and turns into a million baby spiders, which all crawl into your ear and nose holes, and lay millions of additional baby spiders inside of you.
Then I hope you get REALLY bad chapped lips, and aggressive diarrhea, which ultimately leads to you shitting yourself multiple times throughout the day. And I hope that at least one of those times will be while you're driving.
I hope this leads to a car accident. A car accident which leaves you uninjured, but mortified when the paramedics arrive and discover that you are covered in your own shit. I hope that WAYYYYYYYY too many paramedics are deployed to the scene and they ALL join together to mock you. I hope that the lead paramedic is your childhood crush. The one you were too shy to speak to, but who will now remember you always as the gross fucker who shat herself.
Finally, I hope an award winning photographer arrives on the scene to capture a brilliantly creative picture of your face, at the self loathing moment when you realize, "Hey, this could have all been avoided if only I would have participated in the swimsuit contest"
Well, I guess that just about covers it. Good day, fuckers!